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( Don't be afraid)

[25 Mar 2008|10:25pm]
I'm considering deleting this journal.

I need to contemplate whether or not to keep it based on the years of memories stored here.

Life is much easier without this place.

( Don't be afraid)

[16 Jan 2008|11:47pm]
So tired I am....

Ready to pass out.

Need sleep

(16 Faded into existence | Don't be afraid)

Death [10 Jan 2008|03:05am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

What is death?

Some may think that death is the end. That it is sadness, despair, and darkness. Some would say death is a horrible thing.

Death is the beginning... For we do not truly live until we die.

We are called to die. To give up our lives. That is what believing in Christ is all about.

There is much to be gained in this world, and much to be lost, for this is a time of preparation. We are here to prepare ourselves for eternity. How do we do that? We love; we live to the fullest by loving to the fullest. I want to love more than anything, and through my own sacrifice bring God to others. To give all I have would be awesome, in order to bring others closer to God. For it is not about me, nor any of us, but about Him. The closer we are to Him the better. Death is the absolute closest we can be to God, and through that death comes life. For we cannot enter Heaven without first encountering death. Likewise, we cannot truly experience God's love without first being dead to this world.

To surpass this world and all it has to offer and look toward the next. To begin our preparation for the next life, the eternal life. All that we have is in passing.

I am tired of this world, obviously. I long so badly to see the face of God... to be in His presence forever. But there is definitely a reason for living. Definitely a reason I am here.

I am a sinful person. I struggle constantly with sin, in all sorts of forms. I struggle to be good, and I fail a lot of the time. That is why I am here right now. To become better. To prepare my heart for Christ and His love. His eternal love.

One day, there will be an end to this suffering. There will be an end to this pain. There will be an end to all that we hold dear, to all that we hate, to all that we have... and there will be nothing left, but God. Nothing.

In the end, all else will wither away, so do not cling to it, for it is only in passing that we are here. There will come a time when we can say truly that we are one with God, in all of His glory and splendor. Then and only then will we be free.

So how do we get there?

Through death.

Death is the gateway to the eternal. The most exciting thing about it is that nobody really knows what it will be like to die... what will happen is such an adventure, and one that I anticipate excitedly.

To enter the gate of death early is not good, nor is it what I wish to do. God will lead me there when I am ready to die, so I must be ready for Him to lead me there. It all comes back to preparation. I am here to prepare, and there is a good reason for it. I don't wish to enter into death without being ready, or to do so against God's will. But, this is the beauty of it... He will show us the way. With Him by our side, there is no reason to fear - not even death. When we are steadfast in Christ, we can look death in the eyes without fear or anxiety, for we shall fear nothing in Christ's Love.

Not to say any of this will be easy - not in the least bit. While it won't be easy, it will be worth it. Every second. Which is why I wish to prepare now... I want to be dead to this world to the point where I welcome death. Not in such a way that is filled with sorrow, but complete joy. The word 'death' does not even seem nearly as fitting as does 'life'.

I welcome Life.

( Don't be afraid)

[08 Jan 2008|03:00am]
This is an open letter.

This is to all the perverts, the cheaters, the whores, the drunks, the drug addicts, the sluts, and the idiots who enjoy making others' lives miserable. To you I say wake up. Time's running out and you'll soon see that.

To all those who think that they can beat God, that they can bend the rules just enough to get by with what they want: just stop. Stop and look at what you're doing. Stop and look toward God, because that's all we ever will have in our lives that is stable.

To all those who hate, be aware of what you're doing. To hate one another is to hate God, so we must not hate our fellow man. Hate sin, not man. Love with all your heart.

To those who enjoy crushing others' dreams, and to those who 'create their own destinies', wake up. It is not our place to judge, nor is it our place to decide whether our actions are justifiable, that's between us and God. I'm tired of seeing others deem what is 'right' or 'just' and making it to fit their own whims. Very tired of that indeed. What is right and true was never in our hands to judge, but in God's alone. He alone may decide what is good for us and what is not. Stop trying to play God. Stop trying to take control.

To those who are lovers, I pray for you. I will do my best to keep this resolution. Fall not into sin but into His hands. There is no better place. God calls us to love as He loves, and that means unconditionally and eternally. Lust is nothing but a veil for something greater. Surpass it and you will not be dissatisfied but truly see what love is about. The physicality of it is nothing compared to the spirituality of it. Surpass it.

To those who believe they are greater than their fellow man, know that you have already received your reward. Do not put yourself on a pedestal to be admired, but simply love and be humble. To be humble is to love God with your whole self - without boasting or pointing attention to yourself. Humbleness is a beautiful form of love which sprouts from the giving of one's self to God completely. If you can give yourself to Him without holding back, humility will be yours. Love simply and you will be loved greatly.

We are not a great people. We are a sinful, downtrodden world of broken people, searching desperately for love. We look always in the wrong places. Always, and come back empty.

World, stop.

So to you all, I say give up. Give up your pride. Give up your sin. Give up your addictions. Give up your self. Give up your life. Give up everything that you have, for it does not belong to you.

There will come a time when this will all pay off, and we will become One with the Father. How I long for this time... but we must wait. We must wait and prepare.

So to all of you who are lost, to all of you who are weary, to all of you who desire love, to all of you who have hurt or have been hurt, to all of you who wish to recede into the eternal waters of Life, I pray, please have heart. Have heart and do not give up hope, for the Lord is among us, and He shall be with us forever.

I am just as much a sinner as any who read this, if not worse.

Give it up people. The time to take up arms is at hand. The time to love is at hand. The time to repent is at hand.

Stop. You do not have the answers, and neither do I. Accept it and move on.

It is not our place to decide what becomes of our lives.


( Don't be afraid)

[21 Dec 2007|04:03am]
What is it that I have to do?

I really can't answer that question. I never know.

( Don't be afraid)

[13 Oct 2007|01:00am]
I don't know what to do.

( Don't be afraid)

[09 Oct 2007|07:48pm]

For those who missed the orchestra concert.

( Don't be afraid)

[06 Oct 2007|04:15pm]
My world was shattered today

and I cannot find tears to shed.

( Don't be afraid)

Loved. [23 Jul 2007|10:35pm]
[ mood | sort of scared ]

God is so amazing...

I can't even begin to express how beautiful He is. How amazing He is... just how AWESOME He is!

I can't contain it, and I can't describe it, but its beautiful.

But sometimes its really hard to keep up.. I want to just fall over and forget about everything sometimes, and its easy to do, but that's where faith comes in.

When things are the worst, when it seems like the pain or sorrow or suffering will never end, that's when its important to have faith. So easily we can just walk away from our problems and curl up, letting the whole world pass us by, but that's the whole opposite of what we're supposed to do - even if it feels like its the only way out.

When Jesus said to pick up your cross and follow Him, He didn't mean at all to run away. He was saying that we need to embrace our pain, our problems, our hurt, our suffering, and offer it up to Him. That hurts because we have to experience what is hurting us, but that's where faith comes in.

Faith that God will take what you lift up to Him. That He will take your burdens away from you, if only you give them to Him.

Its so easy for this world to get you down. Our world is so full of empty promises and let downs. These are lies my friends - things that lead us to sin. Sin always presents itself in a manner that makes it look waaaay better than what it really is. The thing is we always have a choice, and we can always say no to sin.

Saying no to sin is sayin YES to God.

All He needs is that little 'yes' from us, and He can do wonders with it...

Now, I know that there's a lot going on in life, and that everything God does is for a reason, but it's easy to get scared. It's very easy, actually.

So God, right now, I lift up all that I am to You. I give you my wants, my fears, my desires, my hopes, my dreams, my feelings, my life, my emotions, all that I do, all that goes on in my life, I give to You. I trust that your loving arms will embrace me when I'm most down, and when I'm most joyful. I love you, and I want my heart's will to be conformed to Your most perfect will. I give all that I am to You and let You take control of my life, because only you can give me the love that I need to be complete. Lord, I pray that you increase in me as I decrease, so that you may be brought to others through me.

Jesus, I lift up everything to You. I embrace what You've given me, and I give it back to you.

You see, because when we give all of our love to God, He gives it back 100 fold. He loves us so much that He gave His life for us. That is true love.. So we need to give our lives up to Him - each and every morning when we wake up.

So just remember, when you hurt, and when you think there is no 'out', just give it all up to God. You won't be disappointed.

(1 Faded into existence | Don't be afraid)

[12 Feb 2006|10:35pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

*sigh* Finally done with concerts.

Everything went very well. I had an amazing weekend.

Today could have gone better though, and last night was a drag.

*has to go to bed*


( Don't be afraid)

New Layout [18 Nov 2005|07:55pm]
[ mood | still lonely ]

New layout! Kind of. I like it.

( Don't be afraid)

Owww.. [01 Nov 2005|03:23pm]
[ mood | sick ]

Crazy day today.

I've got a few seconds right now, and that's it.

Piano from 3:45 till 4:45. Leave right away for my bass lesson at 6:00. Leave my bass lesson at 6:30, go to Waynesburg (St. Ann's) for practice at 7:15 in that praise and worship group I was invited to. Should be good! I just need to find some time to sit down and finish up my homework, and eat, and all shall be well, lol.

To anyone who reads this and wants to go to a FESTIVAL OF PRAISE on Saturday, comment! We'll take you along. :D It's going to be awesome!

Grr... my throat hurts. :(

(1 Faded into existence | Don't be afraid)

Long day [11 Oct 2005|11:38pm]
[ mood | tired, but content ]

Well, woke up late today. My dad made me pay him for waking me up. Whatever...

PSAT's today. I think I did pretty well, actually. I actually understood most of the math too! Hopefully I get a decent score.

Voted to go to the NY trip in band. Oh well, I don't really care, I'm going with the chorus.

After school, I had a pretty good piano class, they're the best group I've got, which is good, because my Wednesdays are always busy. I've got quite a lot on my plate. My mom and I went up to Pittsburgh today, and I got to drive. Lucky me. :P I got to do a U-turn in the middle of the road, and changed gears without stopping, which did sound/feel nice. We got lost, but got back on track, though we were a little late. It all ended up well. My lesson went pretty good as well. I could actually play a decent amount of stuff.

Not too much else going on. Hunting with Mr. Bates tommorow! That should be fun. Mike and I are going out with him and his bird dog, like I did last year, so we should have a good time. I'm looking forward to it. (yes, I know, its Mr. Bates, which is scary, but he's not really that bad once you get to know him, lol)


(1 Faded into existence | Don't be afraid)

[30 Sep 2005|11:51pm]
I feel pretty shitty.

(1 Faded into existence | Don't be afraid)

[25 Sep 2005|05:36pm]
[ mood | tired ]

This has been one awesome weekend!

The DYC retreat was awesome!!! I had such a blast, and got to see everyone again! Well, almost everyone.

I was so excited to be there. In the opening prayer, we went around the room and prayed for each person indvidually, while crossing our arms and holding their hands. It was soo nice. :( I didn't want to go home!

Today I went and got some leaves with Drew C., which was fun. We had a decent time, and then went and ate at the truckstop! Good food. :D I came back home, and Lauren/Derek were here, so I stole Derek and we went and played nifty Gackt music among other things. They had to leave cause my parents left, and they should be back soon, at which point I shall proceed to steal Derek and we then play nifty music.

I shall now run.

(2 Faded into existence | Don't be afraid)

It has been awhile. [18 Sep 2005|01:07pm]
[ mood | content ]

Time to update!

Yesterday was coolness. Did not march, went to the hometown High-Q thingy, in which Derek and I completely died laughing through most of it. Katie was just like "What the heck?" lol. Twas good, even though we lost. I won a water bottle during the question thingy for the audience. The guy was like "What was the first city to have a traffic light installed?" No one said anything, so I said "New York City" and he said "That's right sir, Clevland, Ohio." and threw me the water bottle. lol, it was funny.

Anyways, we came home, and I went to the Covered Bridge Festival with Derek and Lauren, the latter of which probably hated me by the end of the day. :P lol. Anyways, we found a crazy drunk man in the woods, and Lauren was being a pooper.

Today shall consist of work. What a way to spend my Sunday! :P

That's it for now.

( Don't be afraid)

[04 Sep 2005|02:49am]
[ mood | down ]

I really need to get myself together.

Please, pray for me.

It has been quite a long day. Only 2 days until work is through for the year. I'm highly looking forward to it.

I can't think of much else to write.


( Don't be afraid)

First day of school [29 Aug 2005|06:32pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Well, it doesn't really seem like it will be a bad year.

Eaton for homeroom, which isn't really that bad. Once we get past our differences in religious and political views, we're fine, lol. I'm going to show him some Victor Wooten here soon.

Periods 1 and 2 - EMT!!!! It looks like a really interesting class. I'm highly looking forward to it, though I know it will be a lot of work. I even skimmed over the first chapter, lol. Plus, it's Mr. Plasko! And I don't have a rotation!!! Woo.

Pd. 3 - AP HISTORY!!!!! Yay. Mr. White is awesome!!!!!! I'm going to love that class. Most definately. Tis a big thing to look forward to.

Pd. 4 - AP English 11. Doesn't look to be that bad. Mrs. VanSickle seems like a pretty cool teacher, and I'm sure I'm going to do fine. Bunches of cool peoples in there, so I'm sure it will be great. :D

Pd. 5 - Physics. Looks boring. I don't like math, or that branch of science. Not very much looking forward to that class, lol. Oh well. Plus I've heard Rastoka isn't the best teacher in the world....

Pd. 6 - Trig/Statistics or something like that. Hess. What more is there to say? Its going to be a sucky class, lol.

Pd. 7 - Environmental Science. Actually looks fun. Willis seems like a pretty good teacher, plus, we'll be going outside every day! :D yay. lol

Pd. 8 - Band. Same old freaking thing. No jazz this year, but Wind Ensemble instead. Should be nice.

Well, that's it. I'm looking forward to this year. It shouldn't be that bad at all.

That's it for now.

( Don't be afraid)

[25 Aug 2005|11:56pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

I LOVE MUSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Victor Wooten has completely reinspired me to pick up electric bass again. The sounds that you can make on that thing.... Just wow.

I love the Lord for giving us the gift of song!

I ask that all of you pray for me, and for all musicians, that they may be shown what God truly wants them to accomplish, and that they will grow and become excellent at what they do.


( Don't be afraid)

[21 Aug 2005|10:39am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

Confession yesterday was awesome. Tim and I drove up to St. Thomas in Claksville, and it was just a good day after that. :D

Worked, then went to Shaun's for his graduation party later that night, which was fun, then we decided to spend the night. The next morning we got up early, and came home to get showers for church. We found out that my mom fell on her way to the car last night, and hurt her arm and got a cut on her head, but she's fine. They're at the hospital at the moment getting her arm checked out and stuff, so hopefully all is well.

After getting showers, we went to church this morning, which I thoroughly enjoyed. There were some awesome songs today that I haven't sang in awhile, and it was Jess singing, and Josh on the organ. (yay.)

The rest of the day will consist of going to work, and if I can get off work early, maybe doing something with Tim.

That's it for now.


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